You’ll Never Understand…

Dealing with someone with trust issues can’t be the easiest thing to deal with, but you have to sit back and ask  yourself if you’re helping or making the situation worse.

You will never understand the mindset of someone that has been hurt multiple times. They will trust someone, but once that trust is compromised in any way, they back so far into a corner that it is often hard to get them out of it. It becomes even harder if you’re nonchalant about what they’ve been through, nonchalant about what they feel, nonchalant about the fact they really can shut down on you at any moment. TRUE UNDERSTANDING is key, especially if you come with a haunting past.

To rather be alone than not be trusted when you’ve caused some of that pain is selfish. Running from EVERY situation instead of working on it won’t get you anywhere. You have to take some of that blame and reevaluate if you really did everything you could do to resolve the issue.

For example, I know personally, if someone was slandering my significant others name and I had access to that person I would check them REAL quick. You can’t control what people say, but if you’re not attempting to check them, it looks as if you really don’t care or that you won’t say anything to that person because deep down inside you care about them. The other person will notice this too which will only push them farther into that corner.

When she is pretty much begging you for your concern, love, understanding and attention, don’t ignore it because of your personal opinions, BE THERE. Constantly remind her that you’re there, that you won’t hurt her, that you love her, that you will defend her ALWAYS.  If you truly love someone you will do whatever it takes to change their mind, whether you agree or not; THAT is TRUE LOVE.  THAT is what our generation is missing; at the first signs of disagreements we’re ready to run instead of facing the problems and actually fixing them.

If you’re not willing to fight or be there then maybe being alone is the best thing for you….

 

 

 

Trois: “What is really going on?”

A couple of friends and I went to dinner the other day and we began talking about marriage.

One of my friends said, ” People just aren’t staying married these days, that’s why I’m single.”

His statement was then followed by this question: “Do we even know 10 marriages outside of the older generations that have lasted?”

His question really struck me because off the top of my head I could not think of 10.

Are marriages lasting in the Black community? And if not, why?

My take on it was this:

I think that marriages in the Black community alone are not lasting because people have such high expectations of perfection. I also think that people are getting married for the wrong reasons. Love alone can not save a marriage nor will it make it last. There is so much more to marriage than love. Also, it seems as if at the first disagreement, Black couples are running to the court instead of fighting for their marriage. It seems as if people are opting for the easy way out these days.

What  happened to “for better OR for worse”? Are we simply taking vows before the church just because? Or are our significant others that bad?

I look at my grandparents and some of my friends’ grandparents and their stories. Their men lied, cheating and everything else but they stayed with them through it all and are still married today. I’m not saying we as women, or men, have to put up with the same things, but I feel that some of us concentrate negative energy and attitudes towards such small issues when it could be a lot worse.

FINAL THOUGHT: Appreciate your significant other for who they are; work out the kinks; and move on. If you can’t do that, end the relationship and allow them to find and marry someone who is willing to do that.

FIN

Deux: “Let it go.”

My friends and I always get into the infamous debate about trust — seeing as trust IS the make-or-break mark of a relationship…right?

The worst thing you can do is carry over drama from a past relationship into a current one. It’s hard to move on without some mental association with the past, but you have to move on.

You may have had trust issues in past relationships but don’t carry those same issues over into new relationships; especially if she/he hasn’t done anything to deserve losing your trust. That will only hurt the person and push them away, when a commitment is what you were looking for in the first place (see the contradiction?).

I have had my own trust issues in the past. The smallest things would make that person untrustworthy when in reality it wasn’t that serious. Even though I have been done wrong in the past, I should not have let that affect my relationship and it did because I associated everything with past relationships. I had to learn that just because one person did me wrong, doesn’t mean the next will.

After the last break-up, I decided that I would go into a relationship with 110% trust or not at all. Why waste time trying to trust someone?

Ladies, we have to stop thinking that “all men are the same” because they are not. We have to stop thinking that every time he’s not around or picking up the phone that he’s doing something wrong, because he probably isn’t. Until that man proves otherwise, TRUST HIM! I can’t stress that enough. I’ve seen many friends lose out because they couldn’t accept the fact that they had genuinely good men. If you get hurt, accept it and MOVE ON….let it go and learn from it. Take each mishap as a lesson-learned and an opportunity to prepare you for something greater. Don’t let relationships that didn’t work out  hinder you from finding true happiness.

POINT: Leave the past where it belongs and move forward wholeheartedly.

FIN

Un: “It’s all in the timing.”

Or is it?

“You’re moving too fast”; “ you need to wait (insert amount) days before you do such-and-such”; “ there is no way you know that soon that he/she is the “one”; these are the things I hear on a daily basis, but who’s to say that time itself has anything to do with the success or failure of a relationship?  Yes, in some situations it does play a part, but I’m more so speaking to people that let “time” dictate their life.  I’m speaking to the people that don’t take opportunities to fall in love or let someone else love them because it seems too soon.

When you stop focusing on the timing of things and just go with the flow you will find that things get less complicated. If someone makes you happy, treats you right AND they are trustworthy, what is there to hold back? Everyone operates differently, but if you feel like you are truly ready for something don’t shy away from it because of time. Waiting too long could result in you being by yourself when that person doesn’t have “time” to sit around and  wait for you to figure it all out.

I know you all have heard of the  “90-Day Rule”  where ladies hold the goodies off for a time period before having sex with a man. Who’s to say that after 90 days of waiting that the man won’t start acting a (insert expletive)  fool? That’s 90 days of your life you will never get back. I’m not saying sleep with someone the first night, but waiting a certain amount of time won’t guarantee a ring  OR a commitment in the end, and that’s the truth.

In MY opinion, do the things that you’re ready to accept the consequences for.

I think so many of us get wrapped up in living by these books and statistics that we lose sight of what’s in front of us. No two people are the same; what may work for one couple may not work for others. We have to do what works for us and be confident in our decision. If you’ve only been dating someone for two months and you feel like you love them, LOVE THEM! Don’t let anyone tell you that  you’re wrong for how you feel. Don’t let something good slip away waiting on time….

FINI